Talk Radio and Trust

I’ve been told that if I want to be a writer, I need to be active on my blog entries at least twice a week. So far, not so good. Such is the life of me. However, I do want to write, so here I am, up late and thinking through my day. At lunchtime, I was on the phone with one of my favorite volunteers. We haven’t spoken for several weeks and I was hoping all was well. As we chatted he remarked, “I’m as busy as a one-legged man in a fanny-kicking contest!” I laughed and kept laughing through the afternoon; a southern truism and quite apropos for my life the last eight months.
I was driving into work this morning and praying, as usual. It is humbling to realize where I currently am in my life. I freely admit to the Lord that I am not able to handle my life. It is too big, it is too wide, it is too deep and it is too high. I am learning what it means to roll my burdens to the Lord. It is obvious that I dwell in weakness; I live in the land of the endless to-do list.
I used to panic in this place. I used to beat myself up about my weakness. And, I used to push myself endlessly to get it all done. As Solomon says, I was striving after the wind. Now, it’s different. I have peace about the list that will never end; peace about the fact that I am weak and that my life is too big for me.
I think I have finally figured out that God is true to His word in this place. His power is perfected in weakness. I don’t think this means I need to strive to be perfect. Rather, I think it is a sinking back into the weakness of who I am, the truth of my fragility as a human. I really can’t do it all. And most likely I will die before I do all that I dream about doing. Even if I live for another forty years – which seems like a good thing to me – I don’t think I will get it all done.
This afternoon I was on a radio show for my job as Executive Director. I considered really freaking out about it. Again, it’s that I feel weak but want to trust God to be my strength. I asked myself the typical questions: Why did I say I would go on the radio? What if I say the wrong thing? What if everyone listening thinks I’m a dipshit? What if I lose my job? During this self-absorbed questioning the Lord reminded me of something He had told me a couple of months ago. While I don’t think I am that person who goes on the radio and says things that are worthwhile, God is asking me to do it anyway. He has plans for that which I don’t get, but that’s OK. My job is to trust, go for it, and enjoy the time. Today, as I sat in the “green room” I prayed that I would do just that. Have fun, not freak out, and not forget Who holds my hand.
I had a great time being weak and being dependent on the Lord while talking live in front of millions….I mean….thousands of people. There were times when I knew the talk show host was getting ready to ask me a question that I wasn’t sure I could answer succinctly – usually about politics. I felt the space in me to say in my head, “Jesus,” and to know that I wasn’t alone. In my weakness, God was there; I didn’t say anything heinous and I didn’t sound like a dipshit.
It’s in this jumping off the cliff that I find myself adventuring with the Lord. I feel the urge to go on the radio again, if for no other reason than I want to keep growing and not be a boring mid-50’s woman who gives up because life is too big for me to tackle on my own. If God’s power is perfect in my weakness, then I pray I will celebrate my weakness in the light of His goodness and love for me. After all, nothing can separate me from Him, not even a live radio show.

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